If you didn’t know, a Steller sea eagle named Kodiak fled the national aviary in the Northside on September 25th and the animal care experts of the aviary brought him home on Sunday. Though local, this is possibly the most entertaining news since Ever Given’s ship stuck March in the Suez Canal.
How a giant bird managed to escape from the aviary is a mystery to us – but we would not trust it to have an accomplice. Although Kodiak hadn’t left the Northside area, we can’t help but think about what we would have done if he had shown up on campus.
Just bring him seats
He’d need his own chair since he’s so big, but imagine Kodiak in class, in an office, and even in a restaurant. His perfect perch would now be the perch. The thought is hilarious.
Deliver papers
We all pretend we’re at Hogwarts studying on the first floor of the Cathedral of Learning, but instead of Hedwig the owl to send mail, Kodiak the eagle would be our personal postman. We could even train him to deliver newspapers!
Pest sources to write back to us
Nothing will make sources write to us in a timely manner like a giant, pesky bird. Besides, nobody can say no to Kodiak, look at that face!
Teach him to eat homework
Dogs that eat homework are out. Kodiak eats our homework.
Intimidate strangers
In general, the types weigh between 13 and 20 pounds and is about four feet tall. Kodiak has a wingspan of almost six feet. Our creepy bird ultimately trumps creepy guys.
Fighting Crime in Oakland
We already know this bird is too big to mess with. Criminals don’t stand a chance, and Pitt Police doesn’t have the amazing bird’s eye perspective. Our friendly Kodiak neighborhood to the rescue.
Crown him King of the Doves of South O and place his throne next to the peregrine falcons
The South Oakland pigeons are both loved and hated across campus, and they would clearly benefit from having Kodiak as their avian lord. Would we get him a crown and a throne to sit next to? Peregrine falcon nest about the cathedral of learning? Probably.
Replace spaceship robots forever
Pitt students were divided over their love for the spaceship robots, the Raid campus almost two years ago now. Some had a strange affection for the slow moving vehicles, while others felt the need to abuse them. Regardless, when the weather hits Pittsburgh, neither of us want to go outside to get the food we need.
Steller’s sea eagle is indigenous to Russia’s far east and is therefore built for the harsh conditions of Siberia – meaning it is more than capable of dealing with the Pittsburgh winters. You can wear almost 15 pounds in their massive claws, making Kodiak the perfect replacement for the spaceship robots.
Therapy bird
Therapy Dog Tuesdays have nothing on Kodiak. He would be able to assert himself there without any problems among the largest puppies Stanley.
Oakland aerial view
Oakland is beautiful from the air and who better to film it than Kodiak. We nominate Nate, our multimedia editor, to strap a GoPro onto Kodiak’s back and let him fly.
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