The decimated roster the Pittsburgh Steelers brought to Cleveland last week is almost back to normal, and the Cleveland Browns are facing holes in key spots such as the head coach and left guard for the wild card game in Pittsburgh. I’ve compiled a list of predictions (some basic and some absolutely idiotic) to look for in this competition.
I got close last week but ended up sniffing most of my predictions. Let’s see if I can get back on my feet this week.
- Still upset that there weren’t any really skanky female dogs hanging out in the dog pound to sniff, Boujee Smith-Schuster creates his own dog pound with the furryest, finest Pittsburgh pooches on the closed end of the field.
- A man wearing a custom Steelers Kylo Ren mask is caught installing a software program at Heinz Field to block all cellular service from an Ohio area code and ensure fraud does not occur. When Steeler’s officials learn of the conspiracy, they ask the perpetrator to do the same with Randy Fichtner’s headset.
- The Steelers score against Cleveland on their first drive.
- Ray-Ray McCloud, who has been used less and less on the offensive lately, does a jet sweep for 25 yards.
- Joshua Dobbs’ services are not used at all on the field in this competition.
- Chase Claypool has a touchdown on the night and Diontae Johnson gets one too.
- Matt Feiler doesn’t start on the left.
- Robert Spillane takes off and makes an impression with a key bag from Baker Mayfield.
- Mayfield is fired from the Steelers Defense five times. Alex Highsmith gets two of them while Mike Hilton, TJ Watt, Cam Heyward and Spillane pick up the others.
- Mayfield celebrates like an asshole after an initial six meter descent in the first quarter.
- JuJu Smith-Schuster catches one of Ben Roethlisberger’s TD passports and celebrates the score by grilling square hamburgers on a small machine, reducing the fat and distributing it to friends and family members present. The gesture is to celebrate both George Foreman’s 72nd birthday and the 37th anniversary of Clara Peller’s debut in “Where’s the Beef?” Wendy’s commercial.
- The offense is somewhat resuscitated by an effort of more than 90 yards the total length of James Conner.
- Minkah Fitzpatrick gets an interception from Steelers and returns it for a score.
- The Steelers win 29-24 and shuffle down to Buffalo.
Will any of this actually happen? I’ll bet at least one or two. Damn it, maybe each of them. Make sure to post your predictions – simple or bizarre – below.
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